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my dad died today

again,thank you to everyone.ive posted about silly arguments i've had with my dad...some had me wishing i was never born..ya know?..i know he loved me,and i loved him,but i know i didn't like him more than i did like him.and i'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me,he would force me into things i didn't have any want to do (meaning sports,like little league baseball and the like) its things like he didn't want to throw a ball with me so i could improve,yet he would say things like,you can't be my son,my son would have been a natural at this,,these things being said to me in front of my entire team and and most of the parents,yet when i started racing and i was being told by complete strangers..damn kid,you're a natural driver,you'll go far in this sport,my dad never once told me he felt i was good at it,or complimented me for wins ,instead he would pick at me all day on monday about how i did this or that wrong,id ask him what i should have done then and he would say things like..well car racing is just a waste of gas and money,so i should stop..let people with talent do it.he thought racing was stupid ,ok i said that,but once my childhood friend Allen went to work for JGR,and began to build Kyle Busch's truck and Busch series engines (this was just before the TRD took over)suddenly dad was a huge race fan and Kyle Busch could do no wrong in his eyes.when Junie Dunlevy called me (ok it was his people) dad told me i wasn't good enough to race at those levels and he "forbid" me to go..he said he would have to be the one supporting me financially..well he wasn't going to do it,he didn't want to throw good money at a losing (loser) proposition..yes he said these things to me.and much more.when i was 15,the high school ROP program offered me a opportunity to go to work as an apprentice with the Teichert construction company out of Sacramento,it was for heavy equipment operations,which is another thing dad knew i was fascinated by and wanted to do badly. the day after i turned 16 i would start with them,which was in july,and then id work after school in winter ect,when i was 18 and if id have completed the training,i would have a guaranteed job with teichert as a journeyman heavy equipment operator,which would have also helped me to apply with CDF as an HFEO.which was something i wanted to do even as a small child,even today i want to do it..lol..i have a friend named Andy who is an HFEO with Cal Fire ,i met him when we were competitors in racing..this was the old hobby stock days and we've remained friends all this time..mater of fact,my current friends i talk to regularly are all ex competitors,save one,,Kenny "Digger" Hash..who is a nieghbor,hes in love with a gal i grew up with..lol..they live in her parents home three door up from me.so i see Kenny all the time..kinda funny..ill be across the street and up some..and ill hear "DAVEY"..ill just yell back "KENNY" and were good for awhile..lol....funny though,ill talk to other nieghbors and say kennys name and theyre like..who??..oh digger...lol..no one knows him as kenny..

back to my rant...the reason i woke angry today is that yesterday a childhood friend had come over,mom and i had been visiting with her when my sister came over,suddenly kellie (my sister) started telling Lori that i was just a waist of life,that i just sit on my ass and do nothing by make my mom do everything for me,which isnt true and never has been,she was extremely rude and mean,ofcourse i reacted with anger,mom started to cry and left the room,so i stopped ,but my sister kept it up for over an hour..and then mom and i were havin nice visits with moms friends and a family that lived near us for 30 years or so was here and we were all visiting nicely and having a good relaxing time,kellie came in and was just a total bitch to me again..infront of everyone again..about a year ago,she was mad at me because a few weeks earlier..i had interrupted her when she was talking,thing is,she never shuts up,and talks at a yelling level all the time..she will say things to completely offend others and the like,she says she just speaks her mind..but she has no off button,she will tell complete strangers how to live their lives and what they should or shouldn't do.well last night id had enough,and i left the house and came home...then she followed me out here and cussed me for about ten minutes before mom came out and told her to shutup and leave,so now shes mad at mom...she made a comment yesterday to someone she doesnt know..one of moms old school mates..that mom and i dont care that "my daddys dead"...i heard that and decided that with her mental issues,id would fight with her any more...just walk away..which is what id done..but she followed me,she was telling me that he wasnt my father,he was her daddy...so i know shes in a manic state,but he husband is being rude with me now as well...

well i just feel stuck again...nothing i do or say to anyone (but mom) is right,even my niece inlaw was on my case..and its all because kellie keeps telling everyone i did nothing to help dad or mom when theyve been sick..which is bs....
 
Dave, I always read everything you write. I'll confess that it is sometimes difficult, but I press onwards nonetheless. I am very sorry to read of your dad's passing. It's always difficult to loose someone you love, no matter how sometimes fractious that love may have been.

If there's anything for which I am grateful, it's that I've now outlived everyone in my life I've ever been close to, so will never again have to experience the anguish of loss. I have to be grateful for this and call it a blessing, as the alternative would otherwise be horribly depressing...

In any case, know that my prayers are with and for you and your family.
 
Daveroo said:
well i just feel stuck again
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Dave, I can only share from my own experience, I look back on my dad and can get angry at some of the things he did and but I rationalize it with the fact that we are all human and have our failings. He did things that I avoid doing at all costs, knowing all the time that I am making my own mistakes. Life can make us less than the person we wish we were. I hope you find peace with that.

Regarding everyone else, take care of your mom, particularly at a time like this and what others are saying is just noise. Even the tightest of families can find conflict at a time like this. Hurt that is inside is trying to find a release and unfortunately it can irrationally target the ones we are close to.

I once thought the pain of losing my father would never heal. I came to realize that after a long time had passed that I thought of him and felt I owed it to him to feel pain when doing so. I was able to come to the realization that I was not honoring him or helping myself by doing so. Now I remember the good times, I forgive the bad times and try to learn from them.
I eventually came to a place where I could look back but not stare.

That is my experience for what it is worth, I hope you can find something useful in it, For now though, know that the emotional turmoil will pass. I wish you luck in riding it out and finding peace.
JB
 
Sorry to hear of your Dad's passing, Dave. I lost my Dad early in my young adult life and I think of him often the older I get. Will include you in our prayers.

Odie
 
n4gix said:
Dave, I always read everything you write. I'll confess that it is sometimes difficult, but I press onwards nonetheless.
Click to expand...

N4,thank you..that made me laugh outloud,i know i wander and mumble along..i do it in person too..but thanks to you and everyone here at the SOH for allowing me to vent...and for all of you for your compassion for others..makes me proud ,and humble to be allowed to call you all friend.thank you.


oh,and i spoke to Bud Anderson last night,was hoping he was going to be here for the celebration of life,but he wont be home from Oshkosh until the day after...shoot..
 
So sorry to hear of your dad's passing Dave. My condolences to you and your family. I lost my dad 6 years back and I still find myself reaching for the phone. Think back on the good times.
 
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