S
sandar
Guest
My Christmas didn't quite go as planned.
It all started on Christmas eve. My 87 year old mum agreed to come and stay with us for a few days and we had arranged to to drive the 15 miles to her village to collect her. My sister lives in the same village, so we arranged to swap family presents at the same time.
The snow had mostly melted, temperature just above freezing, but we encountered thick fog, visibility down to 15 yards in places. No problems really, we arrived a little later than we said we would. Picked my mum up, loaded the car with her bags etc. and drove to my sister's house and exchanged presents. So far so good.
I knew my mum and my wife wanted to go to either the midnight Eucharist in the village church,or a Christmas morning service in our local church, because of the fog, I wanted to get home, but my sister said she would like to go to the church service, so we had to go.
No heating in the church! We sat down and waited, people trickled in, and still we waited. Then one of the church wardens stood up and announce that the priest hadn't turned up and they couldn't get in touch with him.
Anyway, a lay preacher read some lessons and we sang a Carol or two, when the vicar turned up, about half an hour late. It was his fourth service in a fourth church, of the day, the last one, he had the biggest congregation he had ever had and to give communion to over 150 people, which took a lot longer that planned and was why he was late.
The service finished at one o'clock Christmas morning. We piled into the car, drove to the other end of the village to drop my sister off, but the car handled badly, there was something wrong. I had a flat tyre. My sister's parter was summoned out of his nice warm abode to help me as I am disabled and need to use a pair of sticks or a wheelchair. It turned out to be a loose, leaky valve which I tightened up and used my compressor to inflate the flat tyre. Not the quietest thing to do at a little after one in the morning.
At least the fog had lifted, but it was still patchy, so I used my front and rear fog lights, only to be stopped by a policeman when I was driving in a relatively clear area.
The ensuing conversation went something like this,
PC Plod, "Good evening sir, have we had a drink this evening?"
Me, "I've no idea what you've had, but I haven't"
It occurred to me then that PC Plod was probably in need of a sense of humour transplant.
PC Plod, "The reason I stopped you, is you have your fog lights on"
Me," The reason why they are on is because it is foggy"
PC Plod, "It's not foggy here"
Me. " It is half a mile back there"
PC Plod, " You should turn them off when it clears"
Me, " How do I know when it clears?, I'm not psychic"
PC Plod, " You being funny?"
Me, " No" but I was wondering if this guy would know what 'funny' is, "but it is foggy further on,you can see the fog in the street light"
PC Plod, " If you can see half a mile along the road, doesn't that tell you that you don't need fog lights on?
Me, " Doesn't the fact that I can see a fog bank further along the road mean I will need my fog lights on?"
PC Plod, "Would you blow into this please?" handing me a breathalyser.
Me, (getting more than slightly p1ssed off), muttering under my breath something obscene, questioning the coppers ancestry, "Anything to get home"
The breath test was negative. I turned off my fog lights before I drove off. Departing I wished the copper a miserable Christmas, drove a few yards and turned the fog lights back on again just before I hit the fog bank.
Funnily enough, the police car overtook me ( I was on a two lane highway) and, yes, he had his fog lights on, confirming what I suspected, that his parents weren't married when he was born.
From there things went downhill.
We got into bed just before three O'clock and as my wife is a type 1 diabetic, we had to be up for her insulin injection and breakfast at seven. She had a mild hypo, so I had about an hours sleep.
Apart from my mum,we had an aunt and uncle coming for the day, so Christmas lunch had to be prepared.
It was about halfway through lunch preparations that one of my cats decided it would be great fun to climb the Christmas tree, then jump of and swing from the curtains. Little sod, any one want a second hand, one eyed, geriatric, neutered cat?
The tree hit the ground, ornaments all over the floor, the cat hanging by his claws from the curtain, trying desperately to climb, but the curtain rail broke and he and the curtain fell to the floor. The cat shot off and hid, the only sensible thing he has ever done. He has since reappeared (funnily enough, at feeding time) and ever since has indulged in some intense creeping in an attempt to regain favour.
The curtain was jury rigged, fell down a couple of times, but eventually complied with stern words and has stayed in place.
Lunch was only about fifteen minutes later than planned, but slightly overcooked.
The afternoon was quite uneventful, much to everyone's surprise and delight. I am off to bed in a few minutes and hope to have long sleep, but I suspect, because of the quantity of liquid, both alcoholic and non alcoholic, that has vanished down my neck today, my bladder will complain and insist on being emptied at least once, probably more during the night.
It all started on Christmas eve. My 87 year old mum agreed to come and stay with us for a few days and we had arranged to to drive the 15 miles to her village to collect her. My sister lives in the same village, so we arranged to swap family presents at the same time.
The snow had mostly melted, temperature just above freezing, but we encountered thick fog, visibility down to 15 yards in places. No problems really, we arrived a little later than we said we would. Picked my mum up, loaded the car with her bags etc. and drove to my sister's house and exchanged presents. So far so good.
I knew my mum and my wife wanted to go to either the midnight Eucharist in the village church,or a Christmas morning service in our local church, because of the fog, I wanted to get home, but my sister said she would like to go to the church service, so we had to go.
No heating in the church! We sat down and waited, people trickled in, and still we waited. Then one of the church wardens stood up and announce that the priest hadn't turned up and they couldn't get in touch with him.
Anyway, a lay preacher read some lessons and we sang a Carol or two, when the vicar turned up, about half an hour late. It was his fourth service in a fourth church, of the day, the last one, he had the biggest congregation he had ever had and to give communion to over 150 people, which took a lot longer that planned and was why he was late.
The service finished at one o'clock Christmas morning. We piled into the car, drove to the other end of the village to drop my sister off, but the car handled badly, there was something wrong. I had a flat tyre. My sister's parter was summoned out of his nice warm abode to help me as I am disabled and need to use a pair of sticks or a wheelchair. It turned out to be a loose, leaky valve which I tightened up and used my compressor to inflate the flat tyre. Not the quietest thing to do at a little after one in the morning.
At least the fog had lifted, but it was still patchy, so I used my front and rear fog lights, only to be stopped by a policeman when I was driving in a relatively clear area.
The ensuing conversation went something like this,
PC Plod, "Good evening sir, have we had a drink this evening?"
Me, "I've no idea what you've had, but I haven't"
It occurred to me then that PC Plod was probably in need of a sense of humour transplant.
PC Plod, "The reason I stopped you, is you have your fog lights on"
Me," The reason why they are on is because it is foggy"
PC Plod, "It's not foggy here"
Me. " It is half a mile back there"
PC Plod, " You should turn them off when it clears"
Me, " How do I know when it clears?, I'm not psychic"
PC Plod, " You being funny?"
Me, " No" but I was wondering if this guy would know what 'funny' is, "but it is foggy further on,you can see the fog in the street light"
PC Plod, " If you can see half a mile along the road, doesn't that tell you that you don't need fog lights on?
Me, " Doesn't the fact that I can see a fog bank further along the road mean I will need my fog lights on?"
PC Plod, "Would you blow into this please?" handing me a breathalyser.
Me, (getting more than slightly p1ssed off), muttering under my breath something obscene, questioning the coppers ancestry, "Anything to get home"
The breath test was negative. I turned off my fog lights before I drove off. Departing I wished the copper a miserable Christmas, drove a few yards and turned the fog lights back on again just before I hit the fog bank.
Funnily enough, the police car overtook me ( I was on a two lane highway) and, yes, he had his fog lights on, confirming what I suspected, that his parents weren't married when he was born.
From there things went downhill.
We got into bed just before three O'clock and as my wife is a type 1 diabetic, we had to be up for her insulin injection and breakfast at seven. She had a mild hypo, so I had about an hours sleep.
Apart from my mum,we had an aunt and uncle coming for the day, so Christmas lunch had to be prepared.
It was about halfway through lunch preparations that one of my cats decided it would be great fun to climb the Christmas tree, then jump of and swing from the curtains. Little sod, any one want a second hand, one eyed, geriatric, neutered cat?
The tree hit the ground, ornaments all over the floor, the cat hanging by his claws from the curtain, trying desperately to climb, but the curtain rail broke and he and the curtain fell to the floor. The cat shot off and hid, the only sensible thing he has ever done. He has since reappeared (funnily enough, at feeding time) and ever since has indulged in some intense creeping in an attempt to regain favour.
The curtain was jury rigged, fell down a couple of times, but eventually complied with stern words and has stayed in place.
Lunch was only about fifteen minutes later than planned, but slightly overcooked.
The afternoon was quite uneventful, much to everyone's surprise and delight. I am off to bed in a few minutes and hope to have long sleep, but I suspect, because of the quantity of liquid, both alcoholic and non alcoholic, that has vanished down my neck today, my bladder will complain and insist on being emptied at least once, probably more during the night.
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