While we're all waiting. A joke. With flying involved.

Sorry, CAMEL, but that's Dutch you're writing. Must be Dutch, as I hardly understand a word (lol!)

:ernae:, Olham
 
Hmmmmm !!! must be a dialect of German that died out right after WWI, or have I been listenning to OVS and Rooster toooo much ? :ernae:
 
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S.Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway, you turned on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarassed crew, she now was shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that U.S.AIR 2771?"

U.S.Air 2771: "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly after the verbal bashing of U.S.Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definately running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence, keyed his microphone and asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
 
On the other side of the spectrum ...

One day while flying my Taylorcraft from Sandusky to Cincinnati, near Dayton, I had kept in contact with the controllers, but they couldn't identify me on radar. (non electric so no transponder) About abeam the airport but out of the airspace I heard the controllers warn an approaching airliner of 'unidentified slow moving trafific' I knew it was me based on the postition, but it burst the bubble I had as I was cruising about 95 mph which places me in the fast moving category among those planes using an A65 Continental. Hey, as long as the cars on the highway weren't passing me I was happy.

I've found controllers to be a fairly congenial and helpful bunch (never flown around NYor LAX) and one time I was giving a friend a tour over downtown Cincinnati on a Sunday. I reported over Riverfront Stadium and the controllers asked me to see if I could tell who was winning. I thought it was funny, but I didn't even have to look to tell them it wasn't the Bengals.
 
The quality of gags has definitely gone up a few notches since I began it with my childish offering. Keep'em comin' lads. We here in old Blighty need all the cheering up we can get just now..
 
Onboard Meals

Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
..................................................................

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn right here for the docks..."
Voice on frequency "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
 
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"[/FONT]
 
Subject: Quantas maintenance



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
Thanks Gimpy. Those ones had me on the floor. Heres a couple I know of.

- Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds! How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

- Why does the seat cushion become a flotation device? Cant the plane just become a boat?


Aviation 101
Here are a few of the lessons you'll learn when taking Aviation 101:
  • It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  • Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
  • Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)
  • The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  • The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  • You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
  • Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
  • Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  • Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
  • Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
  • Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • And Always Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.


A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

-Rooster
 
When I worked on F14's in the Navy, during a launch, we could communicate with the aircrew via a connector in the nosewheel well that attached to the headsets in our flightdeck helmets. On one launch my buddy was talking to the RIO in the back who had complained that the radar wasn't coming up, to which he replied in his best Obi Wan Kenobi voice...'Use the force Luke'. We thought it was hilarious, but not the RIO who had the display set to TV mode which wasn't available for F14's at that time.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top