A Flight Simulation Tale

...and marry a gorgeous native woman and live in an airconditioned icehut
with her and her family and all of the.....
 
...rest of her extended family, that's a whole lotta shapelessness in furry skins going on in THAT igloo over the winter. Ho Hum. He squeezed his way out one chilly morn, carrying only the spare leg his father in law had fashioned from the knee bone of a Narwhal as a wedding giftie, the briefcase, his Hoverboard, 3 pemmican and seal blubber sandwiches and a flask of cold tea, spare socks, the poppadom with the framerate issues on it, a wrinkly paperback copy of 'The Worst Journey In The World' by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard and a pointy stick to ward off polar bears wanting to eat him. All in all, a lightweight 74 kgs in his knapsack and he set off jauntily; 5 minutes later, he...
 
was back, having realised that Arctic winters were really meant for extended flight simulation sessions, rather than mixing it with the bear population, who might or might not be hibernating.

Also, given that he'd managed to get the pompadom to run on the 5" floppy disk drive, he didn't expect any trouble with his (almost) brand new copy of FS98.

Comp3.jpg


At the end of the winter, though, he knew it was time for an upgrade, and a thorough cleanout of the hard drive, and other peripherals.


"Where to start?" he mused.
"probably..."
 
...........hmm. No I changed my mind I'll eat the curry first after I scrape the green fur off."


Burp! Taking the pointy stick he serched the rubbish by his chair and out jumped....
 
Ooops.... He forget to call the Recycling company to recycle the used coke bottles and cans that accumulated in his computer room. He also has to run the dishwasher and toss the remaining tofu and rice on his plate. To keep his mind clear and fresh, he ran for a quick shower, and cleaned up....

After all is fresh and he is rejuvinated, He boot up his FS; the background music on simulation is like fuel to him.... inspired him, Like a Lion ready for a great feast.... Now is the time for .....
 
a harware investment! he used the suitcase with the $7M Canadian ($6M US or about €8M) to upgrade his poppadom to a green fur drive for an increadsed framerate
 
Exitedly he installed the Green Fur drive and climbed into his 'fitted' seat and powered up the 6 axis 'fridge. The wrap around screen came to life and he started up FSX and inserted the popadum. Instantly his framerates shot up to 3002 fps. "Wow!!!!" he exclaimed. Gingerly he opened the throttle of his F-104 until he was on full afterburner and straining at the brakes and the fridge was spewing ice cubes everywhere. He released the brakes and WHOOSH the fridge took off skywards on a 100 ft blue flame leaving his Aunt Martha's bloomers on the washing line engulfed in flames like .......
 
....once waxed philosophically about the merits of framerates jumping into the thousands; You see, back in those jungles there was a lot of downtime, and the best way to be productive was to immerse onesself in complex mathematical algorithm generation...a kind of reverse-engineered quantum physics which led to significant amounts of.......
 
......useless theories and bullsh*t but if presented nicely could lead to promotion. Heck there was a war on. He snapped out of his nostalgia when he suddenly remembered that his welder buddy hadn't yet fitted the u/c. The exhaust was spluttering like a wet f*rt and the fridge reached it's ceiling of 60000 feet and dipped it's nose groundwards the thin air whistling in his ears.......
 
...he knew then that he shouldn't have snapped out of his nostalgia until he was a lot nearer the ground and a good bit warmer, and the good bits he wanted warmer were brass monkeys at 59,850 ft. He couldn't feel his eers either. It wasn't his ears freezing that worried him though; he could always get his pa-in-law to make him an eery trumpet from some animal part or other. Anyway, to other things...the Green Fur Drive seemed to be slightly overclocked giving framerates in the thousands and before taking off he'd noticed that the default DC-3 in FS9 was able to achieve a terminal velocity on the KSEA runway of 452 knots with flaps set for take-off and the hand brake still on. Now the Fridge was down to 34,009 ft and still akseleratin' [16 ft per sec per sec]. He held tight to the handle as he hirtled Earthwords and Thanked his lucky stars the fridge was a 1957 Chevy Moose Station Wagon model (aka The Flying Wardrobe with the extra chrome finning details) and they had SuperStrong(TM) handles as standard on both fridge AND freezer doors. Suddenly he felt a.......
 
...vibration in the stick. The one he'd knocked together from a broom handle, an empty ice cream carton and an old transistor radio. He heaved on the stick with all his might. The fridge was responding. Yippee!! Slowly the nose came up until at 30 feet AGL he leveled out. There dead ahead was a runway. He prepared for a dead stick, no wheels landing but he hadn't seen the telephone wires. The fridge decelerated from 2500 knots to zero in 3 secs until the wires having reached the fullest extent of their elasticity contracted to their original length depositing the fridge and it's occupant in a large heap of..........
 
....discarded Spectrum thermal printers. He checked all his bits. Yes they were all there all except the one caught in the trunions of his unicycle. He felt something trickle down his left leg. He looked down in horror to see that his hard won frame rates were disappearing through a hole in his.........
 
pants...(well I think thats' the yankee term for em)....somehow during the crash dive from 59,999ft
the zipper on his bearskin flight suit had come undone, and along with his well thumbed copy of the Pilot's Guide to Winter operations, the Bill Gates guide to framerates was also missing; time to...
 
...plug the leak. He grabbed the zipper of his bearskin flight suit and roughly pulled it up. " Arrrrgh!" he screamed. His 10 Mb dongle was caught in the zip. " I'll need my trusty sidekick Gaylord Wingnut to get me out of this." he thought. Meanwhile he climbed out of the fridge and set off towards the distant........
 
...shadows of strange ice mountains after first harnessing his twelve snow white Malumutes to his sled and after ingesting a somwhat copious quantity of reindeer milk liqour he snapped his yaktail whip and off they went chasing shadows, but alas, after traveling for five and a half hours in the bitter cold he realized he had neglected to bring his......
 
..mobile phone to call Gaylord. His dongle was really quite bent up and even though it was only small, it was useful and he hoped Gaylord would have the sense to come meet him at the Ice Mountain Frappacino Joint on Iceberg and Lettuce, where they could mebbe fix it up over a Slushy Husky or some other insane concoction of ice and snow. He looked round to check his Marmites were still with him; the sled made slithery sounds as it slithered over the snow and the Marmites howled madly, so very madly at the low slung sun hanging round in the sky. The sky was all around him and he howled madly too. Suddenly, it all made sense to him..the Inuit bride, the Penguin bars he so enjoyed, the leg with the false bottom, the money, his damaged dongle,.....
 
....."Hmmm!" he mused as he pulled up outside The Ice Mountain. He threw the Marmites a caribou leg to chew on then walked into the bar. He was bent double because his damaged dongle was attached to the gold chain around his neck which was under enormous tension as a result of his stoop. He sat at a table and the Inuit waitress giggled at his small, bent dongle as she took his order. He'd been sat there 40 mins when in walked Gaylord. What was that in his hand? .........
 
...why, a dongle patch of course!
Thinking it through, he knew this mission was too big for just one person.
He needed a copilot, and who better...

Copilot.jpg


Together they could...
 
...yes, side by side with Mulligatorney O'Dongle, one of the few men on the planet to have his very own joystick as well as a wheel in his airplane. What merry fun they would have, chasing down the ant and dec person. It seemed doubtful that Mully could see all that straight, but what the heck. He hoped now the Inuit waiting type person would stop giggling, now that she could see he had a bobble-hatted friend and that his dongle would soon be a lot straighter with the patch on it. Yes, he said to Mully, that'll change her way of looking at me. Mully smiled his extra big yellow smile and started to fiddle noisily with....
 
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